Onion News Empire

David Bryant

Sam West

Jillian

Ed Musgrove

Helena Zweibel

Cameron Grey

Courtney Carter

Abigail

Daytime News Anchor (as Jodi Applegate-Kay)

Kip O'Rourke

Terrorist

Vivian

Archibald Zweibel

Father Zweibel

Kid

Old Lady

Producer

Kidnapper (uncredited)